Down on Jesus Lane

Last night’s episode had the goodness that makes housewives fun – lot of sex, wine, shopping, and gossip. The show kicked off with Peggy, Gretchen and Alexis spending an afternoon sucking down cocktails and trying on hooker boots and ballerina flats. The girls showed us how shopping is done and Gretchen proved she doesn’t need Slade money to treat herself to some fancy footwear.

Wood wedges weren’t adorning anyone’s feet, but if they were, Vicki could have practiced her Spanish. No scratchy the woody is the next Yo Quiero Taco Bell. Vicki bosses around the contractor, the Mexican workers and Donn, and no one understands. No scratchy the new woody! And Vicki doesn’t care that Donn does not like change. Change is coming, and it’s coming in the form of divorce. I’d say poor Donn, but it’s time for him to fill someone else’s love tank.

While Vicki was practicing her Spanglish, Alexis and the girls refueled with more wine and gossiped about mean girls Tamra and Vicki. Alexis nibbled at her food while Gretchen and Peggy talked about Slade’s sexual talents. The other girls talked about how they handled their horniness with the kids around, and Alexis couldn’t stand hearing how Peggy did it in the closet. She said she was in the closet way more than Peggy ever could be and even tied Jim up with her scarves. Who knew all that was going down on Jesus Lane!

Not to be outdone, Tamra and Vicki had a meeting of the strapless shirts to try and repair their friendship. Tamra confessed she is planning her first boyfriend-girlfriend trip with 25-year-old boy-toy Eddie but then suggests a girl’s trip to Cabo. Vicki doesn’t exactly jump at the chance, but gives a half-ass woo-hoo for Mexico.

With everyone nourished, Alexis packs 15 bags for her three day family vacation and prepared to send Jim off with the luggage and nanny while she and the three kids headed to San Diego to meet him. Unlike most families who might say “drive safe” or “see you soon” Jim granted everyone with an individual message telling them to be blessed and protected in Jesus’ name. Alexis thanks Jesus for sending them a Christian nanny and reminds us again it’s her place to listen to her husband. Of course, his auto dial didn’t get the same message.

While Alexis, Jim, their kids, nanny and set of matching luggage head out for vacation, Peggy pees in a cup for her naturopath mother-in-law to uncover any hidden ails declaring “Fish oil for everyone!” Mother-in-law Melinda shares her anti-aging secret – rubbing apples from Switzerland on her face- noting that Peggy’s urine indicate that she is rusting from the inside out.

As Peggy pursues good health, Alexis arrives in San Diego, poses for photos with her luggage and sets off on unpacking while the rest of the family has fun. After all, it’s her job to serve. While she practices deep breathing, she asks gd for patience. Then she prays for her breakfast and Jim prays while Alexis gets up to get him juice, and bacon, and eggs and whatever else he needs while serving as head of the household.

Part of the vacation also involves jewelry shopping as Jim needs not one but two new watches. Alexis, noting that she’s the best accessory for him, whines that she’s not scoring some new bling while Tamra scores a little somethin’-somethin’ with Eddie hot pants noting that he’s very humpable ( we should all agree that he is indeed “humpable”).

All in all, it was a mellow episode that didn’t have enough drama. Where was the drink throwing? The name calling? The screaming matches? Oh, well, there’s always next Sunday